Ladies: Please Read This Primer Before I Do a Sex To You

Joel Golby

Ladies, I know how some of you want to sex me up. That is fine. I am down with that. Can I ask first, though, that you read this Booty Primer, and deposit your underwear in the box provided. And then: oh hell yes, it is show time, girl. We’re gonna do that thing.

  1. I refuse to take off your bra. If you want to show me a little sum’n sum’n then that is fine, but I am not personally getting involved in the mechanical unveiling of them. Not until the bra industry responds to my letters about Velcro. I do not have the dexterity for clasps.
  2. No handstands. There was an incident, I don’t want to talk about it. Gymnastics are fine but please be safe.
  3. Acceptable phrases to bark during sexytimes, a list: “yeah,” “unf yeah,” “rock it to me,” “YEE-hah!” (stress is imperative, there), “put it on up, on up in there,” and “oh.” Unacceptable things to say during the act, and I am picking an example entirely at random: “my Daddy’s in the Army.”
  4. Listen, I know how you gals like to gossip so I am just going to go on and face this rumour down: yes, I did knee a girl in the face one time while we were doing it. I admit that. I would also like the record to state that she did not take any major or lasting damage (like, one tooth) and, more importantly: I still got the job done. You know. You know what I’m talking about.
  5. Baby, I’m an all-over top-to-bottom gentleman, so if we gonna do this, we gonna do this right. I’m talking candles. I’m talking exquisitely-laundered Egyptian cotton sheets. I’ve got rose petals up in here. That is: unless you want to rock it raw-style in the back of a Chevrolet, in which case I am more down for this than you can possibly believe.
  6. Experts say the brain is the most erotic organ in the human body. Not mine. Mine’s my penis. Please refrain from imagining things while I am doing business.
  7. I’m going to level with you, here: you’re going to need to deal with a like 90° kink, in this. It’s like a gun that shoots round corners. Some girls like that kind of deal, some don’t. Over the next 40- to 100-minutes you’re going to find out exactly what kind of girl you are.
  8. The code word is ‘EMERGENCY.’ Please do not say the code word. It was, on reflection, a poor choice. I should not have gotten this primer laminated.
  9. If you want music, that’s fine, but the only song I will actually get down to is Wham Rap! by Wham. So we can either have that off, or on.
  10. REVISION: as of February 2011:

  11. Please inform me of ANY allergies before I apply oil-based coconut body lotion to your intimates.

Okay! Let’s have some FUN!

—October 17th, 2011

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