I Wrote A Thing About Dave Berry

Joel Golby

I wrote a thing about Dave Berry. Because ‘This Whole Dave Berry Thing’ will cease to be relevant in, like, under a week, here is a link for context.

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Dave Berry is outside. Dave Berry is waiting. Dave Berry pretends to punch you in the face just to see you flinch. Dave Berry “can’t actually believe” that you don’t have a copy of Quadrophenia in your car. Dave Berry is asleep on the plane. Dave Berry flicks through a glossy magazine, occasionally stopping to tell you he “put [his] fingers in that”. Dave Berry’s Collection Of Clarkson Books. Dave Berry’s Doughy Forehead. Dave Berry can do six kick-ups in a row. Dave Berry has a WhatsApp group on his phone entitled, simply, ‘Lads’. Dave Berry printing up business cards that say ‘Dave Berry – Chief Shagger’. Dave Berry’s ex-girlfriend, naked and fragile, looks emptily at you from the greasy screen of his smartphone. Dave Berry says you still owe him money for that pizza. Dave Berry looks at himself in the mirror and slowly, firmly, achieves an erection. Dave Berry sidles up to you at the urinal and asks you what you thought of the Chelsea game. Dave Berry’s Orgasm Is More Important Than Anyone Else’s Orgasm. Dave Berry Has An Appointment To Wax All Of His Pubic Hair Clean Off, and Dave Berry Expects You To Do The Same. Dave Berry on pubic hair: “Honestly, it repulses me”.

Dave Berry is masturbating at work. Dave Berry insisting he will DJ at your wedding. Dave Berry has found your new number, even though you changed it. Dave Berry keeps texting you to see if you want to go for “a few jars”. Dave Berry says he will pay for the “next” cab. Dave Berry is clicking his fingers and saying “just the usual please, barkeep”. Dave Berry is jostling in line at the cloakroom. Dave Berry goes missing for hours at a time but always, just before you grab your coat, always comes back.

Dave Berry has lost his keys and so he has to stay at yours. Dave Berry says “it was just banter!” in a very serious meeting with HR. Dave Berry has finished all the coffee and did not tell you that he finished the coffee and now you have to go to work all sleepy. Dave Berry has slipped inside you without you even noticing. Dave Berry thinks you should get in another round of shots. Dave Berry thinks your mum would “get it” if she were a bit thinner, a lot younger. Dave Berry thinks your dad is a “mug”.

Dave Berry is moving closer now, faster. Dave Berry is shouting “AYIA NAPA!” out of the sunroof of a rented limousine. Dave Berry Lost An Afternoon Imagining How He Would Do In A Fight. Dave Berry is being marched to the police station in handcuffs. Dave Berry has opinions about the Poles. Dave Berry will always, ALWAYS try and “get it in the arse”. Dave Berry drives slower than he has to past the all-girls Catholic school in Wembley.

Dave Berry swears it was an accident. Dave Berry would never have done it if he’d known. Dave Berry is crying in the rain. “Honestly,” says Dave Berry. “Honestly, mate, you’re my only friend.” Dave Berry has been applying for credit cards in your name. Dave Berry smells of sweat and fear and Lynx brand shower gel. Dave Berry is the only man in Britain still phoning up sex lines. Dave Berry on late night Chat Roulette, harrowingly alone. Dave Berry would do “anything” for a line of gak right now. Dave Berry’s ornate and gothic-looking neck tattoo reads ‘YOLO’. Dave Berry has fucked to Coldplay. Dave Berry has been to see Coldplay live eight entire times. Dave Berry really likes Coldplay.

Dave Berry shudders to an orgasm. Dave Berry says his own name when he ejaculates. Dave Berry gets silently nervous around black people. Dave Berry does not understand the offside rule. Dave Berry says he went to Amsterdam and “fucked one of the prostitutes for free”. Dave Berry is lying. Dave Berry gets into an altercation with a nightclub toilet attendant. Dave Berry does not understand how it costs “eight fucking quid” for a dab of Joop!. Dave Berry goes back to “glass the fucker”. Dave Berry is going to “glass the cunt”. Dave Berry is going away for a long time now. Dave Berry can no longer haunt you, no longer make you feel weak. The world is better now, more peaceful. A human being has not sincerely called you “pal” for over a fortnight. The quality of your sleep begins to soar. Food tastes better, colours brighter. Johnny Vaughan calls you from a phone box outside. Johnny Vaughan has lost his keys and needs to come in. “It’s me,” Johnny Vaughan laughs. “Johnny Vaughan!” Johnny Vaughan. Johnny Vaughan. Johnny Vaughan.

—October 18th, 2013